Israel, January 2012.

One perk of graduate school life is the long, glorious breaks between semesters. Over the winter vacation I spent 5 weeks visiting dear family and friends in both D.C. and Pennsylvania. During this time I also had the opportunity to visit my friend Ben in Tel Aviv, Israel, where he attends graduate school and studies Middle East history.

Ben and I met over three years ago, while working in the field of educational assessment

at a not-for-profit institution in D.C. We bonded over our mutual enjoyment of literary theory (he – Umberto Eco, me – Italo Calvino) and participated in numerous Jackson 5 sing-a-longs. Over time, Ben’s become one of my closest friends — who gives me great advice and sends stellar emails (i.e., when I moved to Texas he wrote, “I’m looking longingly at my cowboy boots and am jealous of your new-found ability to wear them with impunity”) — so I was excited to visit him.

The trip was 8 days total, with two being reserved for  travel (note: Turkish Airlines is amazing). On the night that I arrived, Ben took me out for “Borekas,” a traditional Israeli snack in which a square puff pastry is filled with potatoes, or cheese, or spinach, topped with sesame seeds and then baked until golden and crunchy (recipe here). It was like re-living my obsession with polish (rather, Mrs. T’s) perogies at age 8. I was hooked. After, Ben showed me why Tel Aviv is ranked as one of the top party cities in the world and took me to a “hipster” bar where I met some of his friends.

Besides going to historical places around Tel Aviv (and doing some sweet shopping), the three main cities we visited were: Nazareth, Jerusalem, and Bethlehem (located in Palestine). I discuss them more in-depth below.

A. Nazareth: Unbeknownst to us, Ben and I visited Nazareth on Greek Orthodox Christmas, so the city and its large open market was nearly deserted. Nazareth is a Christian pilgrimage site, as it’s the place where Jesus was supposedly raised. Nazareth’s population identifies primarily as Arab and the three predominant faiths are Roman Catholic, Orthodox Christian and Muslim. We visited the Basilica of the Annunciation — where Roman Catholics believe the angel Gabriel appeared to Mary and told her she would conceive a son, Mary’s well & The Church of St. Gabriel — where Greek Orthodox’s believe the same event occurred, and the workshop of Joseph the Carpenter. After visiting these sites we stopped at a local bakery for delicious baklava, halva infused bread, and kanafeh (an arabic cheese pastry served warm).

B. Jerusalem: The Old City of Jerusalem is divided into four quarters — the Christian Quarter (where you’ll find the Church of the Holy Sepulcher), the Muslim Quarter, the Armenian Quarter, and the Jewish Quarter. Behind the Western Wall in the Jewish Quarter lies the Temple Mount, which houses the Dome of the Rock. Ben and I spent two days touring Jerusalem and only saw a handful of the religious sites.

The Western Wall is over 2,000 years old and exists as the most holy site in the Jewish faith due to its proximity to the foundation stone found within the Dome of the Rock. In the Hebrew bible, this landmark is also considered scared because it exists as the closest place one can come to the “Holy of Holies” in the Jewish Temple, where the ark of the Covenant was kept. According to Judaism and Muslim faith, the foundation stone was the first thing God put down when he created the world  (hence the name of the stone). It is also where Abraham bound his son Isaac and offered him in sacrifice to God. In fact, because the aforementioned holy temple was razed twice, the exact site of the stone is unknown, but it is believed to exist under the Dome of the Rock.Thus, the Western Wall marks the nearest spot a person can come to this stone and to God. 

The wall is partitioned into male and female sections, and chairs are set-up close to the wall to facilitate, if desired, prayer. Cracks in the wall are stuffed with notes containing prayers that are, according to my guidebook, “cleared several times a year but … never dumped … the slips are collected in a sack and buried with reverence in a Jewish cemetery.” (Fodor’s).

The Temple Mount is both a Jewish holy site and a Muslim one. After the temple had been destroyed for the first time, Herod built a wall to surround the temple plaza and protect it from attack. This area is known as the “Temple Mount’ and was constructed around 19 BCE. The western portion of this gate is known as the “Western Wall.”

The Dome of the Rock is a beautiful site. Situated in the heart of the Temple Mount, the construction dates back to 691 AD. The exterior is tiled in brilliant shades of blue (it follows the Byzantine tradition) and the gold dome was “restored in the 1990s, with 176 pounds of 24-carat gold electroplated copper” (Fodor’s). Currently only Muslims are allowed to enter the building, so Ben and I saw only the (magnificent) exterior. Muslims believe that this holy site houses the great rock, the summit of Mt. Moriah where Muhammad ascended to heaven.

The Church of the Holy Sepulcher marks the site where Christians believe Jesus was crucified by the Romans and later buried. The fourteen stations of the cross begin in the Muslim quarter and end at the church, with the final four stations housed in this site. The final station, the tomb, is encased in marble and is very popular to see, resulting in long lines. I did not wait in line to see the tomb. Interestingly, the church is shared by six different Christian denominations, which is more apparent when you wander around and notice the differences in displays. Most recently, the Stone of Unction was moved here. It is slab of stone where Jesus body was supposedly cleansed and prepared for burial and is one of the first religious artifacts displayed upon entering.

I also went to Mount Olive, the site of the Last Supper, Dormition Abbey, King David’s Tomb, the Tomb of the Virgin, etc. The picture to the left is the Church of All Nations which stands in the heart of the Mount of Olives.


C. Bethlehem: The city of Bethlehem is partially under Palestinian authority so visiting it requires entering the West Bank. The wall that marks the border between Israel and Palestine is spray painted with graffiti, a large portion of which contain political messages and provocative images. Some of the images were created by Banksy, a graffiti artist and political activist. One of Banksy’s images, a dove wearing a bulletproof vest with a target aimed at its chest, you can see to the left.

Bethlehem, another popular Christian site, is home to a majority of Muslim residents.  Here, I ate the best food of my entire trip — lamb shawarma. I didn’t take a picture of it unfortunately, but if you ever find yourself in Bethlehem you must try this dish. While in Bethlehem we went to Church of the Nativity, the site of the birth of Jesus, which is shared by three different faiths: Greek Orthodox, Roman Catholic, and Armenian Orthodox. Part of the church was built in the 6th century, and in the church’s “grotto” you’ll find a silver star that marks the spot where Jesus was born.

Next to the Church of the Nativity is the Church of St. Catherine, which is the Roman Catholic church that connects to the nativity’s grotto through a locked passageway. The latter is sparser than the other and contains an outdoor pavilion with a recreation of the common nativity scene.

Note: This is an abridged version of my trip to Israel. I also ate tons of pastries, tried Arabic and Turkish coffee (the Arabic one contained Cardamom!), ate falafels, consumed beans and hummus in the Yemenite quarter, drank pomegranate juice en masse, visited an art museum, went to numerous outdoor markets, explored Jaffa, drank beer, saw lots of roaming cats, experimented with a Holga, and touched the Mediterranean Sea. It was incredible. For more pictures check out my Flickr link on my homepage. A large portion of the photos on my Flickr were taken either by Ben (Holga prints and a portion of the canon shots) or by me co-opting his camera to use the “hipstomatic”-esque setting. Thanks, friend!

Lit Review: The Golden Notebook (Part 2)

Review: 500 pages into this novel I have a moment of déjà vu — I realize I’ve read this section before. In fact, I’ve read the entire remaining portion of the novel, though I have no context for this epiphany. I try to determine when I’ve read this section (was it for a class? was it after my undergrad?). I diligently kept a livejournal for 5 years but a search yields no mention of the novel. It’s an unnerving experience, this not knowing. But it’s fitting as Anna Wulf’s spiral into madness also causes her to lose all sense of space/time. As she strives to keep her “Golden Notebook” her diary entries become dream narratives, in which her unconscious creates scenes between a demanding therapist and a vulnerable Anna. Repeatedly questioned about the authenticity of her work and her ability to determine past accounts as former experience versus fiction, Anna’s dreams reveal her own struggles with her identity as a “writer.” Even in her re-claiming of self — when she rejects her madness because she feels a responsibility to become a “normal” mother — Anna seems stuck in the fiction of her own creation, representing not a feminist figure but a fragmented women on the fringes of construction. In fact, as I describe below, Anna is the supposed writer of the entire novel, making all her disjointed selves illuminated by her journals and the “Free Women” section as a writerly projection. Thus, the “true” Anna is dis-embodied, existing neither in the outer narrative or her own inner journals. So, the question becomes: Who is Anna Wulf? The answer is both ambiguous and complex — for she is all her identities/roles and none at the same time.

While I would recommend this book, I would encourage interested readers to also research Lessing’s first published novel, The Grass is Singing. Last summer I read the novel while on vacation. I wasn’t sure how to analytically approach the narrative but was fascinated by Lessing’s use of omission to propel the story forward. The story deals with colonialism and racial politics, marriage, displacement, anxiety, and a slow unraveling despair and heat that ends in a moment of violence. Incredible.

Analysis: In Survival: A Thematic Guide to Canadian Literature, Margaret Atwood spends considerable time discussing the theme of the “paralyzed artist” in Canadian literature. Concentrating on Canadian novelists writing during the 1960s, Atwood examines fiction in which protagonists appear to act as surrogates for their authors’ own insecurities. In her analysis of three prominent Canadian writers, Atwood determines that the dilemma of the “paralyzed artist” manifests into a debilitating strategic move, in which the writer/protagonist feels obligated to either “stay in the [Canadian] culture and be crippled as an artist; or escape into nothing” (189). Unsatisfied with these routes, Atwood proposes a third option: “[to] write from the centre of the dilemma” (189). Presenting Alice Munro’s Lives of Girls and Women as a successful example of this possibility, Atwood asserts that the protagonist, Del Jordan, is a “functioning artist” because she “chooses to write from the centre of her own experience, not from the periphery of someone else’s, and she sees her act of creation as an act of redemption” (193), thus attributing accomplished artistry to fictional characters as well as their creators.

Doris Lessing’s The Golden Notebook (TGN) pre-dates Atwood’s collection of essays by thirteen years. Like the writers examined in Atwood’s collection, the protagonist Anna Wulf is a published novelist who states she no longer “believes in art” (221) and admits to suffering from writer’s block. Initially, it appears that Anna is a thematic example of a “paralyzed artist” as she believes that to keep one personal notebook would create chaos (262) and chooses to identify as a stunted writer incapable of expressing “truth.”

In the second half of the novel, Anna’s identity as a “failed artist” changes to a “functioning artist” as she embrace Atwood’s alternative option three. This transformation is briefly mentioned in Lessing’s 1971 introduction to TGN when Lessing states the central theme of the novel is “breakdown” and describes this term as “sometimes when people ‘crack up’ it is a way of self-healing, of the inner self’s dismissing false dichotomies and divisions” (xii). This explanation fits contextually with Atwood’s concept that successful artists/authors/protagonists reveal the “center” of his/her own experience through writing. When Anna keeps a “Golden Notebook” in an attempt to un-catalogue her life, she embraces the “chaos” she feared. What emerges is a continual stream of consciousness in which Anna loses track of time and reality, creating a narrative devoid of centrality. Anna’s “golden notebook” represents both a personal descent into madness and a retrieval of authorial self as she realizes that “truth” can never be contained or fully recognized/illustrated:

“During the last weeks of craziness and timelessness I’ve had these moments of ‘knowing’ one after the other, yet there is no way of putting this sort of knowledge into words. Yet these moments have been so powerful, like the rapid illuminations of a dream that remain with one waking, that I have learned will be part of how I experience life until I die. Words. Words. I play with words, hoping that some combination, even a chance combination, will say what I want … The fact is, the real experience can’t be describedThe people who have been there, in the place in themselves where words, patterns, order, dissolve, will know what I mean and other won’t.” (604, my emphasis).

By de-stabilizing her own identity, Anna rejects social notions of “normalcy” and constructions of truth. In this section Anna writes from the “centre of her dilemma” (Atwood 189) and materializes as an accomplished writer.

The “Golden Notebook” section offers another complexity to the Atwood comparison. In this journal Anna relates her romantic and emotionally exhausting relationship with Saul Green, her boarder. When Saul Green provides Anna with the first sentence of her second novel, “The two women were alone in the London flat,” this line is familiar to the reader as it also appears as the first line of TGN’s outer narrative framework titled “Free Women.” “Free Women” postulates as chronological context for Anna’s notebooks, but it is also a fiction. Thus, the reader realizes that Anna is the “author” of the entire novel, not just the segments that contain her notebooks. While this comprehension strengthens Anna’s position as a “functioning artist” it also de-stabilizes Anna’s identity. Lessing constructs Anna’s life through separate but joined narratives, creating an identity reliant on words/text. But words, as Anna has warned, can never explain “real experience” (604). This leaves the reader grappling with the same questions Anna asks throughout the text – what is truth? What is fiction? What is the role of an artist? What is an author? In TGN Lessing re-writes Atwood’s third option by arguing that to be a “functioning artist” is not to write from the “centre of a dilemma” but to acknowledge that no such center exists.

Lit Review: The Golden Notebook (Part 1)

Anna says, “It seems to me like this. It’s not a terrible thing — I mean, it may be terrible, but it’s not damaging, it’s not poisoning, to do without something one wants. It’s not bad to say: My work is not what I really want, I’m capable of something bigger. Or I’m a person who needs love, and I’m doing without it. What’s terrible is to pretend that the second-rate is the first-rate. To pretend that you don’t need love when you do; or you like your work when you know quite well you’re capable of better.”

The Golden Notebook by Doris Lessing is a well-known piece of literature. Published in 1962, the book was considered an immediate feminist classic, though Lessing rejects the association. Often, when I hear people referencing this novel, the reaction falls firmly on either side of the love/hate binary. The book is impressionable not to mention hefty, totaling 635 pages. Currently, I’m on page 269, with the intent (read: mandatory deadline) to finish it by Wednesday.

To begin, the narrative orchestration of this novel is fascinating. The protagonist, Anna Wulf, has kept four diaries since her early twenties, each marked by a different color. The black journal details Anna’s experience in Central Africa, where she lives with young men training to be pilots. Set prior and during World War II, this journal primarily focuses on Anna’s failed relationship with Willie — a man she married though she abhorred his touch — and the colonist politics that reveal white European landholder’s internalized and externalized racism towards the black community. It is this experience that sets the backdrop for Anna’s famous novel, solidifies her identity as a writier, and propels her towards Communism. Her association with this latter political ideology serves as the basis for her second journal, the red one. The third journal is yellow and contains a fictional narrative that rewrites personal memories (documented in the last journal) and creates the  framework for a potential second novel. In this journal, Anna is revisiting her own failed love affair with a manipulating man named Michael. The final journal, the blue one, embraces and defies conventional notions of a diary, as it elaborates on personal experience, while also containing detached months in which the only recordings are newspaper headlines focused on war, violence, politics, and nationalism.

The outer framework of Lessing’s novel is called “Free Women.” Based in present day, it provides context for the content found in Anna’s notebooks. In this section Anna repeatedly revisits her notebooks and eventually attempts to merge the four diaries into one “golden notebook.” Thus, Lessing repeatedly returns to the diaries in each chapter of the book, creating a narrative that is disjointed and non-linear.

In the outer narrative, Anna and her best friend Molly spend considerable time discussing their children (they each have one child), their past relationships, their former ties to the Communist party, and identity issues. In this section, Lessing is questioning the meaning of the word “free,” the assumptions of marriage and heteronormative behavior, the intimacy and characterization of male and female relationships, and the desire to make order out of chaos. The latter point is paralleled in Anna’s own journals that seem to represent “phases” (259) of her life, rather than one continual stream. Anna, in her conversation with Molly’s son Tommy, acknowledges that she has created four distinct notebooks because merging them together would create “chaos” (262). Anna seems obsessed with the unintentional fictionalization process of memoirs even though she simultaneously relies on this construction to discuss her life:”Why do I never write down, simply, what happens? Why don’t I keep a diary? Obviously, my changing everything into fiction is simply a means of concealing something from myself” (217). Although Anna uses  stories to re-tell her personal life, she also shows frustration at her inability to capture the “truth.” In a conversation with Tommy she laments,  “It’s because I keep trying to write the truth and realizing it’s not true” (261). Thus Lessing is also asking her readers, what is “truth”? How is it a construction? How does it exist?

While I’m not finished the novel (expect another post soon!), I’m most interested in Anna’s relationship with Tommy. In conversations with Anna, Tommy assumes the role of both bully and devoted pupil. Tommy pushes Anna to confront her own vulnerabilities and chauvinistically attempts to deconstruct her self-purported complexities. In these discussions Anna reacts motherly and terrified, justifying her own life decisions and writing style with candor. In one interrogation scene, Anna tells Tommy that she tries to live optimistically/fully in an attempt to keep “the dream alive. Because there’ll always be new people without — the paralysis of will” (263). And while Anna is someone confined by her “paralysis of will,” the roles she repeatedly assumes force her to re-assess and boldly rewrite this fear into something akin to empowerment.*

*I’m not sure yet how fully I believe this last statement, though it’s worth re-mentioning that this novel is often perceived as “feminist.” Lessing rejects this association and states a central theme is that of a mental breakdown. Lessing seems more focused on emphasizing the fragmentation of life, the will to create order out of chaos, than a feminist manifesto. Still, I won’t judge this novel’s central commentary until I finish it.


I’ve been attempting to start this blog for a long time. I’ve been distracted and overwhelmed by the sheer size of this project, but I realize now the art of blogging is more therapeutic than anxiety-triggering. I’ve never been disciplined enough to keep a journal, and so writing these posts promises to be challenging.

The title, “Kind Reader: These Woods” is a nod to Anne Sexton’s illuminating poem, “Kind Sir: These Woods” in which she grapples with being lost and then found in the moments of self-reflection. I hope that my posts contain the similar literary format of lost immersion, followed by the sudden retrieval of self that is at once different and the same.

To reveal some personal notes about myself, in mid-August of 2011 I moved to Texas to attend graduate school (I’m working on obtaining my M.A. in English).  After four years of living in D.C., moving to Texas was a massive uprooting, a decision that forced (and continues to force) me into world of Anne Sexton’s poem. Through this change, I re-discovered how adulthood is simply a reclaiming of that well-known children’s game, though the person doing the uncovering is the same person hiding behind the oak tree.

Purchasing a one way ticket, when most of my friends and family live on the east coast or abroad, was to put it mildly, terrifying. Although I’ve traded the familiar for the unfamiliar numerous times, home was always close by. I remember the walk onto the plane as it idled on D.C.’s tarmac, how it seemed entirely too short. Surely I could linger a little longer?

And now, after 5 months in my program, it is still hard to return to Texas after a visit home. Although I’ve made friends and enjoy the accessibility of biking to the academic buildings and athletic complexes, I’m lonely. Graduate school is exhausting and demanding, and I tend to find comfort in the simple mathematical equation that results in the total remaining weeks until summer.

Still, my coursework is both a challenge and reminder as to why I decided to pursue my Master’s degree. Engaging in literary and gender theory is thrilling, and I love analyzing, as Tracy Chapman brilliantly stated, “the fiction in the space between.” Most importantly, I’m excited to rework my thoughts and to revisit classroom/gender/fiction (etc.) concepts through this medium. In this blog I will attempt literature reviews, present my musings, discuss meals I’ve cooked, and post pictures that document my life. I hope you enjoy, and please feel free to comment.